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Though he was sober at the beginning of their relationship, that quickly changed.“When he drank to excess, he worried about everything,” she writes.in which she gets candid about coping with troubled boyfriends, eating disorders, and an absentee father who abused alcohol.“It’s definitely like having my diary published,” she told PEOPLE last year of her new book, out Tuesday.

“I became extra careful about what I said and how I said it, afraid he’d think I was angry or didn’t love him. I missed him and wanted him there.” She then addresses her dad directly, writing, “I forgive you for not always being there when I needed and for not being the dad I expected.I now understand that my frustrations surrounding our communication are not about changing you, but accepting you as you are.” Collins alleges an ex-boyfriend was emotionally abusive and put his hand around her throat “I found myself in a romantic relationship filled with deceit, infatuation, codependency, and some pretty dark s—-,” writes Collins of an ex-boyfriend (whom she never names).“I know now that I fell for his image.” She explains that she tried to be “perfect for him,” but “the more I silenced my voice with this guy, the more isolated I became.” Collins admits that she even began to distance herself from her mom during that dysfunctional period.“I kinda get to be both.” The actress previously dated British actor Jamie Campbell Bower for over a year in 2013 and was romantically linked to Nick Jonas in 2016.RELATED VIDEO: Lily Collins Writes an Open Letter to Dad Phil Collins: ‘I Forgive the Mistakes You Made’ , Collins explains how she reconnected with her father after years of estrangement — and why she decided to forgive him.

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